


Priorities

by NormalAnomaly



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Gun Safety, Mind Games, Spitefic, author cares a lot about dogs, bullshit and the refusal to put up therewith, milgram experiment, no beta no britpicker we die like Americans, one scene only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:28:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24716086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NormalAnomaly/pseuds/NormalAnomaly
Summary: A rewrite of a scene from Kingsman. What qualities do you *really* want in a spy?
Kudos: 25





	Priorities

_Point it downrange_ , Eggsy thought automatically as Arthur pointed the gun at him. _Fucking terrible trigger discipline._ Or he was about to get murdered, but his instincts said he wasn't.

Sure enough, Arthur smiled and flipped the gun over. Eggsy took it, still wondering what the fuck.

"Shoot the dog," said Arthur.

"Don't be ridiculous," said Eggsy.

"I'm quite serious. It's the final test for becoming a Kingsman. You must prove you can kill without hesitation." There was a bang from the next room, the one Roxy had gone into. "Well," said Arthur. "The young lady has balls."

"I'm not shooting JB for some job. You're mental. No, wait, that's the test, isn't it. You want to make sure I'm not mad enough to shoot my own dog. I bet this isn't even loaded." Eggsy popped the magazine out and checked. "Yup, blanks." _Still fucking terrible trigger discipline. Always treat a gun like it's loaded._

"Blanks or no, you have still failed. If you can't follow orders you're not one of us. Get out."

Eggsy put the gun down on the side table and scooped JB into his traditional spot in his pocket. "Bye then."

An hour later, just as Eggsy was about to return sevenfold to his stepdad what his stepdad had done to his mum, the "taxi" revealed its true colors as an autonomous vehicle and drove him right back to the complex. Harry was there to greet him, looking exactly like he always did except even more smug.

"Congratulations," he said as the car unlocked its doors. "You've passed the final test. Welcome to Kingsman."

"Seriously?"

"Oh yes. This isn't some nation's military, you know. We're an independent agency. That means we need agents who never betray their companions. Agents who think for themselves, and can remember their priorities even when there's no-one to hold them accountable."

"See, I thought it was something like that. But why string me along for an hour? Wanted to make sure I was convinced you wanted an obedient little killing machine?"

"And to make sure you wouldn't turn on us and plot some ridiculous convoluted revenge. From what I saw on the car's cameras, when you take revenge you're commendably straightforward about it."

"Yeah, and I wasn't _done_ , either."

"Well, there is an immediate threat to civilization to deal with. I'm sure your stepfather will be just as odious afterward."

"That's fair. So what happened to Roxy? I heard her fire the gun."

"Oh, she passed as well. She's just the type to test whether a gun is loaded by firing it at the carpet. Fortunately she also has regrettable taste in carpets, so I expect over her life the tendencies will cancel out."

 _Does this man ever stop treating everything like an art project?_ , Eggsy thought as he followed Harry back into the facility. "So are you going to give me and her another test, then? Since 'there can only be one new Lancelot'?"

"Don't be ridiculous. As if we can afford to waste a trained and qualified agent. We'll come up with another codename."


End file.
